A Way of Thinking?

I was reading Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult, it’s a really interesting novel and if you haven’t read it I suggest it. It looks at a school shooting from every angle, and even if you do not agree with her option it is still eye opening. Who is the victim? In any situation where something truly bad happens, the perpetrator in some way was forced to that point. I love this book it starts with

“You cant undo something that happened; you can’t take back a word that’s already been said out loud. You’ll think about me and wish you were able to talk me out of this. You’ll try to figure out what would have been the one right thing to say, to do. I guess I should tell you, don’t blame yourself; this isn’t your fault, but that would be a lie. We both know that I didn’t get here by myself.”(Picoult 4)

I sometimes have a very sick mind when it comes to protecting the ones that I love, even if I shouldn’t love them. I was assaulted by my boyfriend many times. He did things to me that I will never forgive, and some of which I can’t so much as remember. I am not sure if the reason I protect him and his actions is because of the way I felt for him or if it is protecting myself and my reasons on staying with him. I can’t tell you, maybe because I don’t want to know which reason it truly is.

I guess my question is if others think the way in which I do?

Zombie Land is not Somewhere I Want to Be

This post is probably going to be a bit different then my previous ones, saying it’s the first one I have written in who knows how long. More personal and kept more like a journal. MyTwoCents, my mind in a nutshell.

I was just recently dumped, twice, which of course any breakup is hard but one of these boys I thought I was honestly going to marry. He was ‘the one’. I obviously was not. Which now looking back on everything I can see two things. One the relationship was unhealthy, two I have turned into something that I never thought I would be. I have learned that taking direction was the only way to get along with this said male. I have become a mindless zombie that can’t think for herself. How disgusting is that? I would spend hours thinking about the next comment or request he would make, most of which he would not actually make. But I would spend hours cross-legged in front of my laptop freaking out. What a waste of time.

It has been a long time since I have been single, I have either been in a committed or non-exclusive relationship for 5 years. Being single is something that I have never done well, for several reasons. I am a flirt, I think its fun and often don’t recognize I am flirting. This by itself would not be that bad but compiled with my ‘why the hell not?’ logic, nothing good ever happens. I attract the people that have major problems (probably because I have some stuff I deal with too and feel that is all I deserve—but this is another tangent). I have put so much time into these relationships—which were often abusive—yet put no time into the thing that I truly have to live with. I can move on with the people in my life, if they dump me or if it is the other way. I can run as fast and as far as I want. But I can never get away with myself, I have to live with myself. Therefore I need to put time into myself. Nothing is more important.